Archive | July, 2012

The end of an era (and the last boob post THANK GOD!)

31 Jul

It took two weeks. Two weeks to go from a full DD to a fuller H down to an I-don’t-really-know-because-sports-bras-are-kinda-my-thing-but-I’d-guestimate-around-a-B cup. And it took every bit of that two weeks to fully, cold turkey, cut off 7 months worth of breast feeding. It sucked, as you read about more times than you probably cared to, but I’m down all those thousands of cup sizes (and about 2.5 pounds or so, which is disappointing because I was SURE my boobs weighed like 20 pounds each before this conversion) and it’s really nice to just be done with it all. And I don’t really miss nursing, which is good, because the first couple days were definitely tough for me emotionally. Now, I feel fine. Not like HOO RAH FORMULA FOR THE WIN or anything, but more like MEH, it’s not so bad (even though the whole “feed your kid for free and never have to wash a bottle” thing is definitely tempting and rates high on the awesome scale as mothery things go).

All in all, I’m way cool with temporarily retiring my boobs. I will, however, miss doing target practice with my breastmilk. I’m a pretty good shot.


Him Stho Kewwwwwt!!!!

19 Jul

Baby Navy had his 6 month photos taken and I got them from our photographer yesterday, and even though there are eleventy million things to do because I leave tomorrow for the Chicago Gift Show (::OMGAHHHH, TOMORROW!!??!!::), I figured I would give you all a little feast for your eyes. Him stho adowable.

God’s law > Man’s law

12 Jul

I’m not a political person, and in fact, I’m normally the last person to voice my political agenda in any forum, whether on my blog, on facebook, or in a small talk chat over coffee.  It’s just something that I consider personal and to be quite honest, I’m still forming my opinions about many issues as I mature in adulthood (complicated even more by the fact I’m now a parent and have a whole new set of concerns and opinions regarding THAT).  I read a quote the other day, however, that I feel urged to share because I think it’s shaped my opinions a little bit as we head into election season in our country.

“Do not judge a person because they sin differently than you do.”

I hope you will chew on that for a while and let your opinions about people be influenced by a spirit of grace and humility, considering no matter how much you look down on someone or disagree with them, they are no more sinful in nature than you are. God doesn’t hold you higher than them, so how can you rightfully hold yourself higher than them?

There are a lot of issues swirling around in our country right now that pertain to individuals’ character, life choices and decisions and actions that are extreme personal struggles and/or resolutions. Because of that quote, I choose to not form critical opinions about these people (hate the sin, not the sinner) but I will continue to seek out politicians that not only embody that spirit of grace (wouldn’t it be a nice if a politician of that nature were to surface in our country?) and politicians that base their decisions on Christian principles and upholding a government with laws based on striving to be sinless in a sinful world.

What I mean is, I won’t advocate a politician who votes for a law that promotes sinful behavior.

That doesn’t mean I’m without sin myself. I’m as sinful as they come. I’m wrong 100x more than I’m right in God’s eyes. But I serve a forgiving God and no sin that I commit is worse or better than the sin of my neighbor. It’s just sin. And it’s ugly in the eyes of God. So if scripture says “No no” to something, that will influence my vote this fall.  And unfortunately, in the tangled (and very sinful) world of politics, there are times that you must choose a lesser of two evils approach. Again, not to say that one sin is “less bad” than another sin, but it is critical to weigh out the influence that a law or endorsement will bring about. If a law goes into effect that will validate a wave of sinful behavior that God is explicitly against in scripture, I will not vote for the politician that endorses it.

Think of it this way: On the day of a federal trial, the judge said to a witness in a murder or rape trial “Tell us whatever story you like the best that will result in the outcome that benefits you the most, even if that means telling a bold faced lie” instead of “Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?” That judge would be advocating a sin that God specifically condemns in the Ten Commandments (Thou shalt not lie). If that were the common practice because our government advocates the sin of lying, it would result in an upheaval of our judicial system and criminals would never be given just punishment for their crimes, which would be indeterminable based on the lack of a standard of truth. I’m certainly not suggesting that witnesses always tell the truth (we know that’s not the case, unfortunately) but the underlying governance is that you are expected to act according to FIRST the laws set by God, THEN the laws set by man. And the laws set by man should be based upon the laws set by God. The end.

I don’t need to be any more explicit than that regarding what kind of laws I’m talking about that will influence my vote. And again, please remember that it’s not because I’m judgemental or hateful or insensitive. It’s because God is bigger than any Commander in Chief, and he can lead our country in a much better way than any politician can. So, when God says “No no” to something, I’ll base my vote upon whoever adheres to God’s commands the closest.

I urge you to consider your feelings regarding how you want to choose our country’s leader. Turn the tables around, and consider some other commands made by God that our government could oppose by enacting laws that dishonor those commands (stealing is OK; cheat on your spouse all you want; kill whomever you need to kill to get ahead… you get it). And whatever side of the fence you fall on, I hope you will remember not to judge those on the other side of the fence because they sin differently then you.

“For ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God…” – Romans 3:23

“If you love me, you will keep my commandments” – John 14:15


“The book of the law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your ways prosperous and then you will have good success.” – Joshua 1:8


What day is this??

11 Jul

Don’t worry, I did NOT fall off the unbreastfeeding wagon, I just needed a good laugh and what else could satisfy my quest for booby humor than Googling “Breastfeeding memes”? Nothing, that’s what.

Unbreastfeeding is going well, still. Everyday gets better and everyday my boobs get smaller (HOORAAYYYYY!). Last night at our monthly reading-the-book-is-optional-it’s-mostly-about-drinking-wine-and-telling-insane-stories-about-our-bosses-and/or-boobs book club, I passed around some iPhone photos I’ve taken over the last few days chronicling this experience.  One friend totally called my shit out when she was all, “Why in the hell do you have 75 pictures of your boobs from various angles on here?! The fuuuu???” and the rest of the girls were all “Dude, you got implants and are just lying about this whole thing” and my sister was all “They’re real. I know ’cause I’ve touched them” (we’re a close family) and I was all “At least I’m wearing a sports bra in all the pictures! Can I at least get like, half a modesty point?” and then we all were like “Can someone please pass me another glass of Skinny Girl White Peach Margarita?! I need something to wash down all this anatomical talk with!” And then we never discussed the book, because what would be the point of book talk when there is boob talk to be had?!

So I failed to mention, because downerrrrr, that two nights ago Navy sucked at sleeping (per his usual finnickery) and was up 3 times. But last night he was asleep from 8-6am!! I mean mind you, for me 6 am is one very blessed hour before my normal wakeup time and that hour is like a brick of gold in worth to me, but since I didn’t have to go up there at all during the night, I figured I wouldn’t just turn off my monitor and ignore him and that I would reward his good night’s sleep with a dignified wakeup and 8 ounces of unbreast milk. Does anyone else sometimes turn their monitors down to silent and just pretend you can’t hear that baby screaming up there? Yeah me either. CPS reader, I’s a good parentz, I swearz it. But really, all non-CPS readers, can we just have a moment here? I mean, I know that if he’s in his crib, he’s contained, he’s free of harm, he’s typically safe, and as long as he’s crying he’s breathing, so I’m going to finish sleeping here and then we’ll address your attitude problem, KID.

Last night, I slept pretty decently, which is totally acceptable. I’ll take decent. I was even able to lay on my quasi-side-stomach. Like, an awkward 45 degree angle with the support of a pillow hugged to my chest. PROGRESS! This whole things sort of reminds me of being pregnant again and having a jumbo watermelon attached to my stomach that I had to work around. Luckily, those long months of nighttime discomfort have prepared me for this discomfort, and I’ve gotten really good at making to-do lists in my head at night to keep me busy during all of that not-sleeping time.


In other news, I’m working like a bat out of hell to get ready for my upcoming trade show (I leave next Friday and Ha Chee Wa Wa, the amount of stuff left to do is literally like a death wish).  I’m exhibiting my gift and apparel line at the Chicago Gift Show in their handmade exhibit which is held in the Merchandise Mart and it’s all Official and Professional and Fancy and Important and omgwhatamIgoingtowear?! I’ve done several trade shows with my mom as a buyer, and several others with her as an exhibitor for her line, Whimspirations, which is awesome and you should go like her facebook page and then buy all her things. Anyway, it’s literally just as important to look awesome as it is to have awesome products (in my vain opinion). So when I find some time to actually think about MY presentation in addition to my PRODUCTS’ presentation, I intend to post some photos of potential show attire. I’d love your opinions. Basically, I’ll need to know if you would buy hundreds of dollars worth of burp cloths from someone wearing yellow pants. So chew on that for a while and I’ll be back in a few days with some photos a la my new favorite fashion blog ever, J’s Everyday Fashion Blog. You’re welcome for absconding with 3 hours of your afternoon that you will now spend filtering through her photos and outfits. I’m nothing if not an expert time waster, and I am happy to share my know-how on that subject.

Day 3 Wrap-Up

10 Jul

Well we have gotten through 3 days of no breastfeeding. Seems seriously crazy that I haven’t nursed Navy in 3 days. I know it’s not long (to some people) but it is the most detached I have been, physically, from my baby boy for 16 months.

Sorry I had to go cry for a while. Where were we? Oh right, physical detachment from my little’un. I can totally sense that he gets the fact that I’m no longer his food source. I know he needs me, but I don’t think he needs me quite so literally anymore in that regard. I’m ok.

I will not cry. I will not cry. I want to cry. I will not cry. 

Today I think I’m FINALLY experiencing some relief in the ol’ hooters. Don’t get me wrong, they’re still ghastly huge and uncomfortable, but they might be sliiiiiiightly better. I called my doctor this morning to see if there was any medicine or trick that would ease this process. Clearly my body wasn’t necessarily done with nursing. My body could have kept doing this indefinitely I think. I am a natural nurser. And I am thankful for 7 months of that. But it was time for me to be done with nursing for other reasons, both professional and for the control of knowing how much Navy is eating in a day to make it through the night (and when I tried to pump, I wasn’t getting enough per bottle to feed him). Those were my biggest issues. SO since I took a well functioning set of jugs and caused them to cease production cold turkey, it’s just been… a challenge. So I called my doctor. And she confirmed a remedy that I had read about 1,000 times online but never wanted to concede to trying. She suggested I make a titty salad. Ok, she was more eloquent about it. I believe she called them breasts. A breast salad. OK she didn’t refer to it as a salad at all, but she DID tell me to put cold cabbage on my boobies. And if you’re ever looking for man repellant, I’VE FOUND IT!!! Boob salad smells to high freakin’ heaven, and I’m not proud to be talking about my my leafy tee-tas, but guys? At least the stankerton is worth it. I think it might be helping to dry up my milk.


I can actually lay on my side (a little) without wanting to schedule an emergency breast reduction. It’s a whole new leafy world!!! I put the leaves in my sports bra at around 7pm and it’s now 10pm and I think I need to give my nose a break. It’s legitimately sta-aanky. Are you grossed out yet? Because if you’re not, I haven’t done my job.

Hoping for a good night’s rest tonight. Navy regressed last night and woke up 3 times. It was always much more convenient whipping out a boob in the middle of the night than preparing a bottle.  Stockton has now gotten to try his hand at midnight-care-taking for the first time in 7 months since it’s impossible for me to soothe him in the middle of the night because a) he expects me to have the goods readily available and b) it hurts me so much to snuggle him, which is breaking my heart into a zillion little pieces. I want to squeeze my little bug and it literally makes me recoil in pain to do so. Soooo, until I can squeeze him again, I shall stuff my bra with cabbage, and be thankful that Stockton can now pitch in in the feeding department.

Off to lay on my back like a corpse for the next several hours!!

::Thinking happy thoughts about sleeping baby. Staaaay asleeeeeep. Ohmmmmm::

End of Day 2

9 Jul

Boobs are now measuring at an H cup. I’m really not making this up. (That’s 5 D’s to those of you whose brains stop calculating buge hoobs at the letter D).

Navy is doing great. He’s totally over me. Easiest breakup ever for him.

I tried taking an antihistamine this afternoon based on some suggestions I read on some online forums that Benadryl and other such antihistamines will help dry them up (kinda makes sense) but all I had at home was Zyrtec. Which I took, and my sinuses now feel totally amazing. Boobs? Not so much. I thought about trying Benadryl tonight seeing as I avoided it earlier because a) didn’t have any and b) I heard it makes you drowsy and I didn’t want that in the middle of the afternoon. However, I’m a little worried about double dosing on antihistamines. I’m already on a hormone induced rampage, I don’t need a drug induced rampage to add to it.

On that subject, yes the hormones are a total beyotch. Makin’ me 45 kinds of sad and crazy. And I still feel pretty fluish, which reminds me of being pregnant all over again (I had two verrrrrry  close calls with the porcelain God today that reminded me of the many months I spent hugging the toilet bowl while pregnant and NOTHANKYOU!).

I’m not as clingy and wishy washy today, though, and I TOTALLY feel like this is the right decision. Except for the times that I feel like it’s not the right decision. Did I mention the hormones? And the schizophrenia they produce in me? Yeah. Wanna come over and pretend to be my husband for the night? No, neither does Stockton.

Not really, though. He’s been supportive and kind and reassuring. AND he can do all of those things while staring at my chest, which is really impressive because it totally shows that he’s not a one track mind kinda guy you know? He can boob ogle WHILE supporting my decision and discuss in depth all the miscellaneawhatnots I feel like discussing. In his defense, they are something of a freak show currently. I can’t blame him for ogling. It’s like he knows he better enjoy the view while it lasts because soon he’ll be attending my boobs’ funeral and longing for the days of yore when I was an H cup.

So there’s day 2 in an H cup nutshell.

Night 1/Day 2

8 Jul

Still miserable and uncomfortable (for those just tuning in, I’m cold turkey quitting breast feeding and youch!).

I look like Dolly Parton.

I just took my measurements, and if I were to purchase a bra at this moment it would be an F (or a DDD depending on the brand).

As a stomach sleeper, last night was difficult. I would roll over in my sleep and wake up from the horrible pain.

The pain is spreading throughout my whole body it seems. I have chest pains (in my chest cavity, not just the bazooms), my shoulders are achey and at many points I felt nauseous.

I took the sports bra off to sleep and I’m not sure if that was a good or bad thing. Good as far as the fact that I had some room to grow breathe, bad as far as the fact I had some room to breathe grow.

The saddest part of the night was when Navy woke up (slept from 8-5am, no interruptions, which is an improvement) for a bottle and I picked him up from his crib and was in so much physical pain I avoided our interaction as much as I could. I can’t wait for this to be over.

I know this writing isn’t my usual style and it’s filled with major wop-wop undertones, and I know that every woman who has ever breastfed her baby has done this much quieter and with less complaint, but I’m basically keeping a hospital journal of my feelings and pains and experiences, and I want to chronicle how this transition occurs for me because it has been such a significant part of my  parenting journey so far. Hopefully with smaller boobs will come a more upbeat Courtney. Who knows, book club is on Tuesday and that usually brings about a good story or twelve.

Day 1

7 Jul

Today sucked. But so far, here’s the recap:

-I cried much of the day.

-Navy refused a bottle much of the day. He’s taken a bottle before, of both breast milk and formula, so why he chose today to boycott, God only knows. He literally did the tight lipped pffffft every time I tried to give him the bottle. I let my younger sister try, Stockton tried, and finally, I bought new bottles and he finally accepted 4 ounces from my other sister. I cried outside of his door while she fed him.

-My boobs are so uncomfortably huge that I feel like I’m wearing a corset. I’ve been wearing a sports bra to try and constrict them as much as possible, and they are tender and sore and feel like 5 pound bags of gravel.

-I’m scared for tonight, both because I know Navy didn’t eat much today and because I’m usually a stomach sleeper and that will either result in too much pain or soaking wet sheets, so either way, I’m pretty much counting on a horrible night’s sleep.

-It has been almost 10 hours since I nursed or had any relief at all.  When I went to shower before church, I made sure to turn the water to a cooler setting and still, I was just leaking like a faucet.

So, fa la la. Awesome day for the books. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go drink a healthy portioned cocktail since it’s not like I have to worry about pumping and dumping anymore.


7 Jul

It’s been a long couple of weeks. Navy has been sleeping like crap, I’ve been sleeping like crap, we’ve been too busy, too crazy, too hectic, too unavailable, and just overall spread too thin.  Summer is supposed to be the most relaxing time of the year, but since I’m all about being honest here, I’m just going to say that it’s the most stressful time of year for me. I feel pulled in so many directions, and this summer especially I’ve added a baby AND a national trade show for my budding little business and it’s enough to make the synapses in my brain start shorting out. I’m working around the clock, in between trying to people please left and right, meeting everyone’s expectations for “Summering” as expected by various members of our family’s inner circle. It’s exhausting. And unfortunately, Navy is taking the brunt of it. This week I finally had to pull the plug on some vacationy type activities because Navy was such a wreck and all of the constant activity and being away from his routine was just simply unfair to him. And I feel like a totally wretched mother for not stepping in sooner and watching for my baby’s cues. Wop wop.

So regarding the sleeping not sleeping situation. I KNOW that Navy is capable of sleeping through the night. He did it when he was just 3 months old (under the right conditions).  I know by now that every moment of his day contributes to the moments he spends sleeping at night. I know that I can create an environment for him that is conducive to sleeping well and eating well and all that well-baby stuff.  What I fail to do is be consistent. Again, with the horrible mom-ness. So for the last couple months Navy has been a super sporadic sleeper at night. Waking up several times still, and it seems that nursing is the only thing that will soothe him back to sleep.  Or maybe it’s just that I’m so freaking tired I know that if I stick my boob in his mouth for 5 minutes, I’ll be able to return to bed quickly. So I’m taking shortcuts and cutting corners on making real progress because it’s just easier for me that way. Strike 1498720476 on being a shit parent.

I think this week I just finally had enough. I can’t get up like this in the night with him. It’s causing ALL of us to be miserable. I hit the pillow at night and I don’t even want to kiss Stockton goodnight because I’m so tired from having a baby physically attached to me that the thought of being touched is completely unwelcomed. Not to mention I’m just so exhausted because chances are, I slept like crap the night before and yet had no breaks from the normal routine throughout the day to rest or relax, and thus, DOUBLE EXHAUSTION AND NO I DON’T WANT TO SPOON OR CUDDLE OR YOUKNOWWHAT! So I think after Sunday night’s episode of being up with Navy for probably 2 hours in the middle of the night (mind you, this is an unusual situation, he’s usually back down to bed quickly after a midnight wakeup) I had just had it. I started researching sleep routines for 7 month olds, wondering what in the world I’m doing wrong that is making my baby sleep like such crap. The number one issue I read about was hunger. Is baby getting enough during the day to sustain him during the night? Up to this point I had been feeding him solids twice a day and nursing every 3-4ish hours as naps permitted. But who knows how much milk he was getting (ah, the catch 22 of nursing). The older he gets, the more easily distracted he becomes, and I’m lucky if he’ll stay latched on for 5 minutes at a time. NOT TO MENTION THE TEETH!!! The two bottom teeth that LOVE TO BITE ME IN THE NIPPLES OMG THOSE THINGS AREN’T CHEW TOYS!!!! And then I spank him and put him in time out gently scold him and he bursts into tears and the whole nursing moment is gone and he hates me. It’s a beautiful thing.

I’ve tried pumping and giving him a bottle, but I am not getting what I believe he needs each time I pump (less than 5 ounces is generally what I’m producing). At his age, I feel like he needs more than that per bottle. Not to mention, that trade show I’m doing? It’s got me extremely busy and like I said, I spend as much free time as possible working to prepare for it, and pumping will rob me of at least another hour each day PLUS the time I will spend feeding him. Not that I’m bowing out of parenting responsibilities to work, but because of the milk volume issues, I just don’t see how I can keep up with his demands that way.

This is a total mommy diarrhea of the mouth blog. If you’re still reading, you must be really bored at work or something.

So anyway, I feel like my time has come to stop breast feeding. I’ll be gone for 4 nights coming up here in about 2 weeks while I’m away at the trade show (the longest I’ve ever spent without Navy) and I feel like I need to set up the process of bottle feeding him now so that Stockton doesn’t have some crisis situation when I’m gone of Navy rejecting the bottle or blah blah blah. I feel OK about it. I nursed him for just over 7 months, and I feel good about that. My doctor, whom I totally admire, nursed her sons for 6 months (but they were twins so she gets like, quadruple points in my book) and so I feel like if I’ve met or exceeded the doctor’s timeline, then I’m doing OK. In her opinion, the first 2 months are the most important for nursing, and anything after that is bonus. But again, in the name of being honest, one of the reasons I wanted to continue was for bragging rights. Sort of. It sounds weird when I put it like that, but more or less, it’s true. Not that I wanted to be on the cover of Time Magazine nursing my teenage son, but I thought it would be cool to go for 12 months. Just to say I did it. Some women in my life nursed longer, and some shorter, but there was this competitiveness in my motive for nursing that wanted to just go longer, as if that made me MORE mom than them. Because the truth is, I can recognize so many insufficiencies in my parenting and I really felt like breastfeeding was one of those things I had a good handle on. It was one leg up I had. But not, because it’s evident my baby isn’t getting enough from me. And yet another strike on me.

Ed: I just took a break from writing to go upstairs and feed Navy and put him down for a nap. I decided to breast feed him “one last time” and I prayed for him and cried and now I feel weepy and weird.

On a less sad and more selfish note, I am anxious to see what happens to me after I quit breastfeeding. My boobs are big. They have been since forever, but since becoming pregnant, I have been in the E cup range (!!!). That’s sick. So I’m anxious to see what happens to those puppies. I’m also anxious to see if I lose (or gain) any more weight. I know the old adage that your body needs more calories and stores more fat when nursing, but they also say you BURN more calories when nursing, so I think it’s a total crapshoot as to what will happen to my body after the weaning process has run its course. On that: I don’t plan to gradually wean Navy. I think I need to do this as immediately as possible seeing as the trade show is coming up so soon and I think we both need to adequately prepare for the separation (him, so he can efficiently and comfortably take a bottle at all feedings, and me so I’m not leaking in front of prospective clients). In the name of before and after and documenting this season of life, here are a few pictures of me right this moment. I’d like to take similar pictures on maybe a weekly basis for the next month or so to compare what happened to my body once breastfeeding was no longer an influence.

Blegh. Pardon the messy room, messy me, and just blegh. Please be gracious (or feel free to just not say anything regarding this at all), it’s a rather vulnerable thing to talk so candidly about this super personal subject and also to post pictures of yourself in a not so flattering situation. I’m doing this for posterity. I’m doing this for posterity. Ohmmmm.

So I’m preparing for a slightly rocky couple of days (weeks?). Hormones will be a wreck I’m sure. You may see me with huge wet spots on my boobs from time to time. I may cry more than usual (is that possibe?). But I know this is what’s right for Navy, and that’s what’s most important. I’ll keep you posted on his progress in the sleeping and eating departments. Thanks for the encouragement and support (this is me asking for support and not criticism, heh heh). 

Diarrhea of the mouth, over.