7 Jul

It’s been a long couple of weeks. Navy has been sleeping like crap, I’ve been sleeping like crap, we’ve been too busy, too crazy, too hectic, too unavailable, and just overall spread too thin.  Summer is supposed to be the most relaxing time of the year, but since I’m all about being honest here, I’m just going to say that it’s the most stressful time of year for me. I feel pulled in so many directions, and this summer especially I’ve added a baby AND a national trade show for my budding little business and it’s enough to make the synapses in my brain start shorting out. I’m working around the clock, in between trying to people please left and right, meeting everyone’s expectations for “Summering” as expected by various members of our family’s inner circle. It’s exhausting. And unfortunately, Navy is taking the brunt of it. This week I finally had to pull the plug on some vacationy type activities because Navy was such a wreck and all of the constant activity and being away from his routine was just simply unfair to him. And I feel like a totally wretched mother for not stepping in sooner and watching for my baby’s cues. Wop wop.

So regarding the sleeping not sleeping situation. I KNOW that Navy is capable of sleeping through the night. He did it when he was just 3 months old (under the right conditions).  I know by now that every moment of his day contributes to the moments he spends sleeping at night. I know that I can create an environment for him that is conducive to sleeping well and eating well and all that well-baby stuff.  What I fail to do is be consistent. Again, with the horrible mom-ness. So for the last couple months Navy has been a super sporadic sleeper at night. Waking up several times still, and it seems that nursing is the only thing that will soothe him back to sleep.  Or maybe it’s just that I’m so freaking tired I know that if I stick my boob in his mouth for 5 minutes, I’ll be able to return to bed quickly. So I’m taking shortcuts and cutting corners on making real progress because it’s just easier for me that way. Strike 1498720476 on being a shit parent.

I think this week I just finally had enough. I can’t get up like this in the night with him. It’s causing ALL of us to be miserable. I hit the pillow at night and I don’t even want to kiss Stockton goodnight because I’m so tired from having a baby physically attached to me that the thought of being touched is completely unwelcomed. Not to mention I’m just so exhausted because chances are, I slept like crap the night before and yet had no breaks from the normal routine throughout the day to rest or relax, and thus, DOUBLE EXHAUSTION AND NO I DON’T WANT TO SPOON OR CUDDLE OR YOUKNOWWHAT! So I think after Sunday night’s episode of being up with Navy for probably 2 hours in the middle of the night (mind you, this is an unusual situation, he’s usually back down to bed quickly after a midnight wakeup) I had just had it. I started researching sleep routines for 7 month olds, wondering what in the world I’m doing wrong that is making my baby sleep like such crap. The number one issue I read about was hunger. Is baby getting enough during the day to sustain him during the night? Up to this point I had been feeding him solids twice a day and nursing every 3-4ish hours as naps permitted. But who knows how much milk he was getting (ah, the catch 22 of nursing). The older he gets, the more easily distracted he becomes, and I’m lucky if he’ll stay latched on for 5 minutes at a time. NOT TO MENTION THE TEETH!!! The two bottom teeth that LOVE TO BITE ME IN THE NIPPLES OMG THOSE THINGS AREN’T CHEW TOYS!!!! And then I spank him and put him in time out gently scold him and he bursts into tears and the whole nursing moment is gone and he hates me. It’s a beautiful thing.

I’ve tried pumping and giving him a bottle, but I am not getting what I believe he needs each time I pump (less than 5 ounces is generally what I’m producing). At his age, I feel like he needs more than that per bottle. Not to mention, that trade show I’m doing? It’s got me extremely busy and like I said, I spend as much free time as possible working to prepare for it, and pumping will rob me of at least another hour each day PLUS the time I will spend feeding him. Not that I’m bowing out of parenting responsibilities to work, but because of the milk volume issues, I just don’t see how I can keep up with his demands that way.

This is a total mommy diarrhea of the mouth blog. If you’re still reading, you must be really bored at work or something.

So anyway, I feel like my time has come to stop breast feeding. I’ll be gone for 4 nights coming up here in about 2 weeks while I’m away at the trade show (the longest I’ve ever spent without Navy) and I feel like I need to set up the process of bottle feeding him now so that Stockton doesn’t have some crisis situation when I’m gone of Navy rejecting the bottle or blah blah blah. I feel OK about it. I nursed him for just over 7 months, and I feel good about that. My doctor, whom I totally admire, nursed her sons for 6 months (but they were twins so she gets like, quadruple points in my book) and so I feel like if I’ve met or exceeded the doctor’s timeline, then I’m doing OK. In her opinion, the first 2 months are the most important for nursing, and anything after that is bonus. But again, in the name of being honest, one of the reasons I wanted to continue was for bragging rights. Sort of. It sounds weird when I put it like that, but more or less, it’s true. Not that I wanted to be on the cover of Time Magazine nursing my teenage son, but I thought it would be cool to go for 12 months. Just to say I did it. Some women in my life nursed longer, and some shorter, but there was this competitiveness in my motive for nursing that wanted to just go longer, as if that made me MORE mom than them. Because the truth is, I can recognize so many insufficiencies in my parenting and I really felt like breastfeeding was one of those things I had a good handle on. It was one leg up I had. But not, because it’s evident my baby isn’t getting enough from me. And yet another strike on me.

Ed: I just took a break from writing to go upstairs and feed Navy and put him down for a nap. I decided to breast feed him “one last time” and I prayed for him and cried and now I feel weepy and weird.

On a less sad and more selfish note, I am anxious to see what happens to me after I quit breastfeeding. My boobs are big. They have been since forever, but since becoming pregnant, I have been in the E cup range (!!!). That’s sick. So I’m anxious to see what happens to those puppies. I’m also anxious to see if I lose (or gain) any more weight. I know the old adage that your body needs more calories and stores more fat when nursing, but they also say you BURN more calories when nursing, so I think it’s a total crapshoot as to what will happen to my body after the weaning process has run its course. On that: I don’t plan to gradually wean Navy. I think I need to do this as immediately as possible seeing as the trade show is coming up so soon and I think we both need to adequately prepare for the separation (him, so he can efficiently and comfortably take a bottle at all feedings, and me so I’m not leaking in front of prospective clients). In the name of before and after and documenting this season of life, here are a few pictures of me right this moment. I’d like to take similar pictures on maybe a weekly basis for the next month or so to compare what happened to my body once breastfeeding was no longer an influence.

Blegh. Pardon the messy room, messy me, and just blegh. Please be gracious (or feel free to just not say anything regarding this at all), it’s a rather vulnerable thing to talk so candidly about this super personal subject and also to post pictures of yourself in a not so flattering situation. I’m doing this for posterity. I’m doing this for posterity. Ohmmmm.

So I’m preparing for a slightly rocky couple of days (weeks?). Hormones will be a wreck I’m sure. You may see me with huge wet spots on my boobs from time to time. I may cry more than usual (is that possibe?). But I know this is what’s right for Navy, and that’s what’s most important. I’ll keep you posted on his progress in the sleeping and eating departments. Thanks for the encouragement and support (this is me asking for support and not criticism, heh heh). 

Diarrhea of the mouth, over.


5 Responses to “Momstuffs”

  1. Kaley July 7, 2012 at 3:22 pm #

    Firstly, does that bra say DO IT? Because that would just be ironic and hilarious.

    Secondly, you are a great mom all the way around, not just some ways – don’t even second guess that. Navy is a happy and healthy boy, and that, after all, is the #1 goal. We all “feel” like we have shortcomings as moms, but nobody recognizes this or knows this except for ourselves. Focus on your strengths, if that will make you feel better, but definitely try not to dwell on your self-inflicted “short comings.”

    Thirdly, if makes you feel better, you beat me by 3 months 🙂

  2. Brittany Riblet (@BrittanyRiblet) July 7, 2012 at 3:39 pm #

    Um can I just say you look amaze-balls in those pictures?? No negative thoughts beautiful lady!! And let me just say that I love the honesty in this post. I know when my time comes, I will be referring back to your posts for help! 🙂

  3. Papa July 7, 2012 at 7:39 pm #

    Well since you are my favorite MIDDLE daughter and all, (I have a favorite oldest and a favorite youngest also, folks) there is no reason to think I am biased, but from my perspective you are a phenomenal Mom and Navy is thriving due to your care and breast feeding to this point. (Stockton, you ain’t no slouch either, care wise that is.) Yay for you and the victory of your total success thus far and the bright outlook of this next phase of your family!!!

  4. orangetreeblog July 7, 2012 at 7:59 pm #

    Aww Courtney, this is a mile stone you should be celebrating and not beating yourself over. I am so proud that you have been able to nurse as you have long and as gracefully as you have (remember I didn’t even try with you…talk about strikes against my parenting skills)!

    No one said being a mommy is an easy job. It is seriously the hardest job you will ever do and the most rewarding. So pull on your big girl panties, your C cups and scoop out the formula!

    Navy will never even notice as long as he keeps getting your sweet mama kisses! xo


  1. Night 1/Day 2 « - July 8, 2012

    […] miserable and uncomfortable (for those just tuning in, I’m cold turkey quitting breast feeding and […]

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