One of my hats

22 Oct

I’m reminded today (as I OFTEN am) of how much life changes when you have a little one. Things that used to be important, really aren’t all that important anymore. I will turn 25 in two days, and you know what? I really don’t care. It’s like, the least big deal of all time. Especially because my baby is sick. It’s the most heartbreaking thing to see your child crying all day (no really… all. day.) from discomfort; looking up at you with these eyes that just say “Mom, what’s wrong? Make it stop!” And if I could, I would. I just wish I could.

Saturday night I was suddenly and violently afflicted with The Flu (dun-dun-DUUNNN!!!!) and hoooo boy, it was a doozie. So much that Stockton (wisely) spent the night in the guest bedroom (wrapped in a sleeping bag, Godlovehim) so that I could thrash and wince and get up 20 (at least) times without disturbing him, or him, me. It was officially the worst night ever, and I don’t hesitate to say that it was worse than giving birth to Navy. And I didn’t have the WORST delivery ever, but it certainly wasn’t a cakewalk. At least that had a very happy ending.

So the rest of the weekend was spent mostly with my head in the toilet while Stockton played Mr. Mom and slowly watch Navy deteriorate from his own bout of The Everlovin’ Relentless Flu. That poor little bug. By the end of the day, Stockton looked like he’d been beaten by a shovel and he kept reiterating how sad it is to watch your child get sick and not know what’s happening to them or why. And really, nothing you can do to stop it.

Today, Stockton had to go to work and luckily, I was “well” enough to manage Navy here by myself. But that poor sweet boy spent the entire day either sleeping or moaning and groaning, nearly inconsolable during all of his waking hours. So by the end of the day, it was me looking like I’d been beaten by a shovel (and feeling similarly).

Over the last 48 hours, while I sat there sick as a dog, I kept wanting to pray that the Lord would rid me of this sickness, restore my health and help me to “feel better” but then I felt too guilty to pray for that!! It’s just the FLU after all. I kept thinking about all of the people who have cancer and spend days, weeks, months just as sick as dogs because of their chemo drugs and the disease that their body harbors.

Then today, as I was praying for Navy (because I do not feel too guilty to pray for others, just myself) I also prayed for the babies who are terminally ill, or who are fighting unknown diseases, and who are possibly suffering from the treatments that ravage their little bodies. I prayed for their mommies (and daddies) who hold their crying babies every single day and do everything they can to comfort their children when there is really nothing that can be done. It’s defeating (and again, my kid just has the flu). It’s heartbreaking. But it’s what you do when you’re a mom. You just don’t have a choice in the matter.

As I was holding Navy this evening, I kept thinking about what a hard weekend it’s been.  I don’t often say things are “hard” because I think it’s kind of a ridiculous description. However, this weekend and the flu that came with it was just… exhausting. Ravaging. It took everything out of us all and its work, I’m afraid, isn’t quite over. So even though my job as a mom doesn’t involve balancing budgets, solving complex problems, dealing with employee issues, or making sure my business is profitable, it is indeed frickin’ hard. You can’t even be sick by yourself. It’s all about your baby. It’s all about your family. They need you even when you are at your worst (and I’ve confirmed now that there are definitely no sick days when you work this job). It’s all a part of wearing many hats, right? It’s also the stuff that people take for granted. That people minimize. That people who are “too cool” and “above” the simplicity of mommyhood downplay and find irritating and uncouth. And that’s ok. I know what I’ve got, and even when what I’ve got is a sick little baby who cries for his mommy to take away his ickies all day, I’ll take it. I’ll wear my hat even when it’s covered in puke. That’s what mommies do.


2 Responses to “One of my hats”

  1. Shelba J. October 22, 2012 at 10:09 pm #

    Courtney – you are an awesome mom! And your blog will help other mommies who are dealing with things worse than the flu… feel better. You are incredible! Happy Birthday and happy travels! xoxo

  2. Dad Helman October 22, 2012 at 10:23 pm #

    Courtney, my baby, my heart goes out to you in so many ways. As is many times the case, your unique point of view made me stop and think and join you in prayer for the many people that deal with suffering as part of daily life. Get better, give your boys a kiss & know I love you.

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